This piece reflects my struggle with a smoking addiction. Nicotine damaged me psychologically, so I made this piece while analyzing all of my decisions that led me to the path of smoking. It wasn’t until late August of 2020 I realized I am a 20 year old female and I smoked away 5 years of my life.Crazy.

I have always felt like I needed to hide it from my family and my friends. Parents repeatedly told me: “ We’ll give you trouble if you pick a cigarette” Nurses in high school put an expression of contempt every time they talked about smoking. They had a point, but the feeling of shame encouraged me to hide and feel disgusted about myself, when I really needed help. Social tabu against smoking bursted my addiction.

I quit every now and then, go without cigarettes for 2-6 months, and then relapse back to vapes, cigars, or any other product with which industries stuff a millennial consumer. Nicotine products have always had their way back.

My addiction became really bad in the last couple of months. By smoking excessively, I lost the ability to breathe well, my sense of smell disappeared, I became very fragile with a sickening yellow tone on my face and constant nausea. My depression and levels of anxiety increased. The scariest part was me not gasping the impact of nicotine on my life.

As soon as I realized that I have been smoking for so long, I trashed all of my nicotine vapes. I still didn’t feel like I wanted to quit. Although being 3 days nicotine free I noticed differences in my productivity. I was on top of my to do lists, food was tasty again, I started exercising and walking my dog. I am afraid of going back to my old ways, scared of dismissing signs and never getting myself out of the loop. Any way out of an addiction is a hard, we should stop shaming ourselves for having one, this is not a solution that works. Maybe I don’t have ways to solve for this problem, but I will figure it out eventually. For now, sharing my story is a first step out of many. Wish me luck on my journey.